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†::Zan_Rien::† [userpic]

My Name

June 5th, 2006 (12:24 pm)

current location: work
†::Schism::†: calm
†::My Choir::†: a love like pi, Muse, AA, Bush

…… *zon: he is growing up… growing stronger

*Jsohiensht: its about time… but is he ready?

*akin: he defeated anul…

*Jsohiensht: he merged with HIM to do so… can he control it

*zon: he will have to learn to.

*akin: soon we will be gone merged with him  and he will be one…

*Lucian: he has come far… from and innocent lost, through darkness, loss, hate, rage, to powerful and stronger then any of us…

Jsohiensht: he just needs to learn to control that temper and that playfulness… anger will be his weakness…

zon: then that is what we must teach him before our time has run out.

Akin: what will we call him?

Jsohiensht: yes cause … Jamie is atrocious.

Akin: he can have my name…

Zon: akin… I like that… but is missing something?

Jamie: k  r  I  s  t  I  a    n…..?

Jsohiensht: what? Speak up… we can’t hear you when you mutter.

Jamie: I like the name Kris…. Kristin.

Jsohiensht: it takes breath after all… and how it has grown…  so you like kri…. Is…tin… ? what you do not like the name akin?

Zon: JSOHIENSHT… step down.

Akin: remember your place.

Jsohiensht: let the boy answer… or is this not what the problem is… he must learn to deal with us before he can face the last challenge… so? What the answer boy?

Jamie: i… I like them both… and I am not your boy. If anything you are mine.

Jsohiensht: so the boy has grown fangs.. and sharp as well… Akin Kristin … it is still missing something….

Zon: Lee … the last piece of the puzzle… the mother

Akin: Akin …. I am honored (bow)

Jsohiensht: Kristin (bow)

Zon: Lee (bow) … we have given you all the armor and power you will need… to face the final challenge… soon we will fade… and become one with you…

Kris: now?

Akin: no but soon… Jamie is dead and now Kris has been born… you are almost there just a few more steps… we will be your bridge… your links to each step…

Jsohiensht: remember think before you act… and never back down … remember where you’ve come… there is no fear you have not already faced…. Anul, HIM and soon us as well will be a part of you … our minds, strength and power at your finger…

Akin: make you will like iron… like tempered steal… an unbreakable sword… fear and pain are not things to be barred alone nor ran hidden from… face it and share it… all darkness runs from the light… and yet to truly appreciate the light we must have the darkness… it is the balance…

Zon: a part of the duality of nature… and you are a part of that… we all are…

Jsohiensht: it’s time… I will go first… clairvoyance and remembrance… stay focused

Akin: I will go next… stay stead fast… your will be done…

Zon: and as for me…

Kris: but I'll be alone?

Zon: remember this… you are never alone we… and those that truly love you will always be with you and apart of you even past the end… no matter the distance the separates… nor the words that go unsaid… love has no boundaries … find that stillness… the peace and steadiness that you need… but find it first in here… your heart, mind , and spirit…

Balance is the key… good bye… take care… live and be mindful… seek that balance and fear nothing.

†::Zan_Rien::† [userpic]

rain of fire, gold, bronze, black& white

June 5th, 2006 (12:22 pm)

current location: work
†::Schism::†: good
†::My Choir::†: AAF, AFI, A love like pi

Fire gold, black and white,
Your golden blond hair
Soft and lightly bronze skin
Tinder lustful lips

Fire burns, and iron is tempered…

Heat, lust, fire, and beer
We spin, we move like a burning flame
Luminous and careless of the surroundings the burn
Time is melted, and fades

Fire burns and the train strength’s increases

Kisses hot like a thousand suns,
Yet as gentle as a small hand of spring water gracing my lips
again and again

fire burns and light is born

poems of Yates, Shakespeare, Tennyson, O’Barr, McCormick…
and the hundreds of lovers… light and dark

their words merge and shuew around my heart and mind
a whirlwind of lust… and other emotions combined with
feelings of the flesh rip at me, tarring its way to my heart
cold and wet

fire burns and the village is warm
fire burns and the arrow fierceness is increased

time will tell
is the path worth the journey
is the heart worth the distance

which four letter “L” word is navigating the
lustful and desirable voyage of thrills and hopeful evolution

path travel but not as much as it was meant for

can I clear the path?
When I reach the end of this barren path … will you be there still by my side
Or lost in the wayside, another name to add and another notch to add to the sword of my life… each notch a symbol of loved and lusted that have fallen before you have fallen

The words of McCormick’s poem “deadly love” engraved in the chest ….

So as I watch you, and see your love grow for me,

I know that soon you will be gone forever.

And somehow you know this too,

but you're not afraid you're numbed by your lust for me.

As I watch you die, knowing I could have stopped it,

I tell myself that you meant nothing, but we both know that's not true,

I truly loved you and look at what I did to you.

Drive a cold blade in to the warmth of the moment… but
Those warm and piercing eyes see it’s dark path…
Those gentle lip whisper the words… I need
Those gentle hands steady mind… and hands

†::Zan_Rien::† [userpic]

more strange test

May 28th, 2006 (12:36 pm)

You scored 10 Empath, 6 Channeler, 10 Medium, and 9 Shaman!

The ability to literally feel for someone else is a finely tuned empathic sense. It gives you the psychic ability to "read" a person's aura, and interpret the information back to him or her. It can bring you amazingly close to others; you can sense their true emotional needs with unerring accuracy, and people may be drawn to you like magnets. But avoid absorbing other people's problems, as it's easy to get burned out.

If you've been aware of an unseen presence, or have seen a ghost, you could be mediumistic. You also may have felt the presence of angelic or earthly spirits, which act as guardians to you. You can look into other dimensions such as the astral worlds or the "spirit" world. This vision is a rare gift.

As you are vividly aware of nature and the spirit in animals, plants, and trees, your style of psychism is shamanistic. You derive a highly tuned sense of danger from your instinctive link with wild animals; this is a great asset--your intuition literally saves lives. You can sense impending danger in all situations, whether it's on the sidewalk, in traffic situations, or in the workplace. You may also have natural healing ability--an innate sense of what will harm or help someone who is ill.

My test tracked 4 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:
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You scored higher than 89% on Empath
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You scored higher than 26% on Channeler
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You scored higher than 84% on Medium
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You scored higher than 68% on Shaman
Link: The What Kind of Psychic Are You? Test written by SoftPurple on Ok Cupid, home of the 32-Type Dating Test

You are 42% Rational, 42% Extroverted, 57% Brutal, and 14% Arrogant.
You are the Bitch-Slap, the hallmark response of any abusive husband! You are more intuitive than others, focusing more on feelings than rational explanations, and you are also probably very brutual because you care more about yourself than the well-being of others. As all nagging wives know, brutality combined with emotion often leads to BITCH-SLAPPING, which is why you are called "The Bitch Slap". (That and because I find it amusing to accuse people of pummeling female dogs.) Your humility probably stems from insecurity, if anything, because people fond of slapping the shit out of someone in place of rational discussion are usually not humble in the way Jesus was humble. Possible sources of insecurity? A small penis, a small bank account, a small intelligence...gee, when you say "small" a lot, it stops sounding like a real word! Not only that, but you are also rather introverted, and any tendencies towards brutality you possess may also result from the fact that you bottle up your emotions and don't show them to others until you explode in rage like some sort of shaken soda can. Take it from me, it is much more rewarding to bottle beer over emotions. You can't get wasted on emotions. Aside from all my talk (and it's a lot of talk) you are probably not a VIOLENT person, just someone who is rather selfish and who makes decisions based upon emotional motives. At any rate, being a bitch-slap does not necessarily mean you will abuse your spouse (your body odor is no doubt abuse enough); it only means you are rather intuitive, uncaring toward others, brutal, introverted, and possibly insecure.

And sorry about that body odor remark if you really are insecure. I promise that you smell like roses. Being fertilized by cow shit.

To put it less negatively:

1. You are more INTUITIVE than rational.

2. You are more INTROVERTED than extroverted.

3. You are more BRUTAL than gentle.

4. You are more HUMBLE than arrogant.


Your exact opposite is the Braggart.

Other personalities you would probably get along with are the Schoolyard Bully, the Class Clown, and the Brute.



If you scored near fifty percent for a certain trait (42%-58%), you could very well go either way. For example, someone with 42% Extroversion is slightly leaning towards being an introvert, but is close enough to being an extrovert to be classified that way as well. Below is a list of the other personality types so that you can determine which other possible categories you may fill if you scored near fifty percent for certain traits.

The other personality types:

The Emo Kid: Intuitive, Introverted, Gentle, Humble.

The Starving Artist: Intuitive, Introverted, Gentle, Arrogant.

The Bitch-Slap: Intuitive, Introverted, Brutal, Humble.

The Brute: Intuitive, Introverted, Brutal, Arrogant.

The Hippie: Intuitive, Extroverted, Gentle, Humble.

The Televangelist: Intuitive, Extroverted, Gentle, Arrogant.

The Schoolyard Bully: Intuitive, Extroverted, Brutal, Humble.

The Class Clown: Intuitive, Extroverted, Brutal, Arrogant.

The Robot: Rational, Introverted, Gentle, Humble.

The Haughty Intellectual: Rational, Introverted, Gentle, Arrogant.

The Spiteful Loner: Rational, Introverted, Brutal, Humble.

The Sociopath: Rational, Introverted, Brutal, Arrogant.

The Hand-Raiser: Rational, Extroverted, Gentle, Humble.

The Braggart: Rational, Extroverted, Gentle, Arrogant.

The Capitalist Pig: Rational, Extroverted, Brutal, Humble.

The Smartass: Rational, Extroverted, Brutal, Arrogant.

Be sure to take my Sublime Philosophical Crap Test if you are interested in taking a slightly more intellectual test that has just as many insane ramblings as this one does!

My test tracked 4 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:
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You scored higher than 35% on Rationality
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You scored higher than 40% on Extroversion
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You scored higher than 66% on Brutality
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You scored higher than 4% on Arrogance
Link: The Personality Defect Test written by saint_gasoline on OkCupid Free Online Dating, home of the 32-Type Dating Test

Mysterious buff boy
You scored 45% masculine, 58% athletic, 81% exotic, and 56% refined!
You like a bit of boy underneath all those muscles. He looks like he takes good care of himself and washes behind his ears. He is sultry and mysterious and could be someone like.....Usher. (on the left) But let's face it, the whole point of this was to look at a bunch of hot guys. If you liked what you saw, please rate my test!

My test tracked 4 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:
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You scored higher than 28% on masculine
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You scored higher than 30% on athletic
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You scored higher than 98% on exotic
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You scored higher than 73% on refined
Link: The What type of MAN turns you on Test written by thinkandcome on Ok Cupid, home of the 32-Type Dating Test

Official Survivor
Congratulations! You scored 84%!
Whether through ferocity or quickness, you made it out. You made the right choice most of the time, but you probably screwed up somewhere. Nobody's perfect, at least you're alive.

My test tracked 1 variable How you compared to other people your age and gender:
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You scored higher than 87% on survivalpoints
Link: The Zombie Scenario Survivor Test written by ci8db4uok on OkCupid Free Online Dating, home of the 32-Type Dating Test

†::Zan_Rien::† [userpic]


May 28th, 2006 (12:00 pm)

current location: HOME
†::Schism::†: good
†::My Choir::†: none actually thats strange

You scored 50 imagination, 100 confidence, 66 dominance, and 75 generosity!
You are a KINKY, CONFIDENT, DOMINANT lover who prefers to give.

This means that:

You like relatively kinky sex, and you have the great imagination that will always keep your partner guessing and excited! There's no getting bored with you around, you could never settle for dull sex, you want something fun and new all the time. You aren't afraid to try out anything you hear about. You might just be an intelligent lover who needs to be mentally engaged, or perhaps you have some dirty dark secret kinky desires, but either way, you're never boring.

You are pretty confident in bed. This means that you know you can please your lover. Maybe you've read a lot of sex manuals, or have the experience from previous lovers, or just tend to be skilled at whatever you get your hands on, but you're good and you know it. You can really get results and know that you have pure talent, so you won't be hiding away shy, pretending to be all innocent. Your partners love your naughty self assurance, you don't hesitate and this makes you a sensational lover.

You tend to be dominant in bed, so you prefer to be the one giving the orders than taking them. Maybe you like the power, or just like controlling the pace, perhaps your partner likes to be dominanted, or maybe you get a kick out of the whole master/slave relationship, it could be something as small as liking to be on top during sex and tie up your lover to tease them, or it could be as kinky as them having to ask your permission to do anything at all. Either way, you are firm and you enjoy it!

You prefer to give than recieve. This makes you a very unselfish lover, devoted to the needs of your partner rather than your own. You get your pleasure from seeing them get theirs, you are a model sex partner. I'm sure plenty of people would love to have someone like you in bed with them! Remember though that if your partner gets pleasure from returning the favour it's okay to let them, they might love giving as much as you do!

get into some slightly more hardcore fantasy territory. Go for bondage in a not so light and fluffy way and discover just what you really like. Want to play master/slave games? Want to be tied up or tie someone up, in just enough discomfort that they don't quite relax? Want to try a threesome? Maybe you'd even like to try out sado-masochism. It's your call. Whatever you do, unleash that kinky thing you've always really wanted to try and give it a go, you're a great lover, and you know it, up for anything, generous, imaginative, confident, and happy to go for what you want, so enjoy.

My test tracked 4 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:
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You scored higher than 16% on imagination
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You scored higher than 89% on confidence
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You scored higher than 79% on dominance
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You scored higher than 73% on generosity
Link: The What's your sexual style? Test written by lu-mina on Ok Cupid, home of the 32-Type Dating Test

†::Zan_Rien::† [userpic]

letter to the puppy

April 25th, 2006 (11:43 am)

current location: work as always
†::Schism::†: irritated
†::My Choir::†: Utada Hikaru - Passion

Okay… my first task is how to start this out…

I would first like to do say sorry.
One for letting this drag out this long and also for not picking up lately… I needed to cool down from that past weekend, but I will get to that later.

I feel as if I wasn’t clear enough for starters and not stern enough when I said I wanted us to be friends first so as to get to know each other… that was not a ploy to get you as some fuck buddy that was me seriously trying to set this up so we could truly see if we are compatible… for example after dealing with some one that keep trying to get me to go out with him and not listening to me when I would tell him that I am not interested in him as a lover but as a friend we could work I wrote this blog in my live journal and on my myspace in hopes that he would finally take this to heart…

†::Zan_Rien::† ( akin_diego) wrote,@ 2005-11-22 04:04:00

Current mood: confused
" too many choices"
Okay someone asked me yesterday … for some unknown reason what is it that I look for in a partner… so I stopped and thought about it… and later I was able to think what it is that I look for … and now I wonder am I being too picky?

So yeah here is my list of Good traits that I look for and bad traits that will get you looked over….

Things that catch my attention… and will keep my interest… Golden traits:

1. Fun loving

2. Good in bed ^_^

3. Kind hearted

4. Adventurous

5. Intelligent

6. Witty

7. Quick thinker

8. Loves to cuddle


10. Creative

11. Have a few of the same interest or hobbies (that way there are a few thing that no matter what we have in common and can do together.

12. Into the Goth scene (at least a little)

13. Like the same types of movies

14. Have to have the same taste in music

15. Job

16. Car (or know the bus route.. lol or knows how to get around)

17. pleasing to the eye too look at… ^_^ I luv beautiful things (but they only have to be pleasing to my eyes… if I think you are beautiful that’s it.. don't really think what others think)

18. open minded… doesn’t critisize things he doesn’t understand

19. into me as much as I am in to him… (in that right I am a true cancer… cause I do

have that fear of being used in a relation ship)

20. I love art, music, and poetry.. so artist, poets, and musicians get a extra gold star…

21. independent … but has his moments of codependency

22. ^_^ but nice to live near me but I do like to travel (when I have the means)

23. understanding.. not overly needy

24. Luvs to go out as much as I do… (so since most of the places I go are 21 + I would prefer someone that is at least 21 and under 28)

25. mildly opinionated ^_^ … or really don't care as long as I am able to have my opinions with out too much questioning and no arguing what so ever.

26. about the same body type … (lol or better ^_^)

27. animal lover

28. hopefully has plans to adopt kids in the future (far future but none the less in the future card)

29. has to love to travel

30. normally I would say has to be between 21-27 … but that isn’t written in stone just yet… but it is easier to get and keep my attention if they are… just deals with the maturaty level.

31. not racist in anyway

32. not cruel in anyway to man or beast

33. I do have a special place for attractive, intelligent, well-rounded, loveable, interesting, well-adjusted Asian, Hispanic, Black, and White males … if you are rude, ignorant, and or ghetto … don't bother

34. but in the end only one thing matters… can I see myself with you and can you see yourself with me forever… cuz I’m tired of looking so I’m ready to be in a good, long term, productive serious relationship… but I will not just jump in to one without caution

Now quickly things that will get you dismissed and or over looked.. really is anything that is the oppossite of the above… but here is a list as to clearly shine a light to the subject…

1. to be rude, cruel, or hateful…. Lol as they say god don't like ugly … NOR do I

2. laziness

3. being bitchy will get you cursed out in the end

4. not financially stable

5. never wanting to go out >_<

6. hater of movies…

7. THIS SHOULD BE #1 BUT WHATEVER… stuck in high school mode … in other words .. immature as all hell

8. a bad kisser

9. terrible in bed >_<

10. sticky fingers… kilpto

11. no imagination

12. stuck in teacher or daddy mode >_< .. I have been a teacher and I go to school also I have a father I cant stand… I don't need you to be either

13. jealous person

14. someone that is gonna try and make me feel bad, jealous, or angry … cuz like Bruce banner is known to say in the comics … you wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. And I am not a jealous person…

15. trying too hard… (trust me you don't have to, if I’m into you all you have to do is be yourself…)

16. abusive … I’ve been in abusive relationships, among other thing … and now I wont stand for it … it goes back to that phrase in # 14…

17. a hater of kids … I mean I’m not to luv of badass kids … but I have come to realize that not all kids are bad..

18. vanity… don't be stick up or bitchy… concieded is not cute vain

19. being bitchy to my friends… if I cant take you around my friends… or my friends cant get along with you… it just aint gonna work

20. controling … I wont try and control you there for don't try that shit with me.

21. the feeling… if I don't get that feeling… call it love or whatever but if I don't / or not feeling it we will have to cut it short.

22. FB’s need not to apply

23. nieveness… and privacy … I am a pretty open person but there are a few things that I like to keep private and not broadcasted to the world… also I am out to most of my friends but not my family… and if you happen to interfer with that or try to interven in anyway… or out me in anyway that is a instant do not past go card and it is it… (I have too much I have to do before I can really tell them… but don't fear that day is close at hand)

24. can not stress this enough … I do not do, ignorant nor do I do ghetto … I just don't find that attractive… I can not stand childish behavior.

so yes my question is… is this too much to hope for … now that I put it on paper… I’m worried that this is an impossible list … so yeah all feed back … wait let me be picky for this.. all intelligent and insightful comments and feed back in welcome and needed….

Thanks ^_^………..

" too many choices" I wrote that I november of last year… and so as for that last weekend I really needed to cool down and chill a little cause I am sure you can understand my dismay when I return to my aunts house (with my father) to get my phone… and I get these strange looks then I get the “TALK” from people that I thought I could one day tell and they would be okay with it … well I found out that I was wrong… so image me sitting there getting yeld at by one of my once favorite people in the world and then having to sit there having to decide to tell the truth or lie … to fight or run… well I decided to run… so I lied and spent the rest of the night and the weekend convencing them that I was straight I have to even as far as to get a friend of mine to pay my girl friend so that they don't tell my mother or my grandmother THE LAST TWO PEOPLE THAT I VALUE VALUE AND WOULD DIE IF THEY FOUND OUT IN THAT WAY… so not only did that set me back YEARS… but … there just not words to really describe it… it was fucked up…

and it leads me to ask … when my cousin answered the phone… who did you think it was and why would you tell a total stranger … someone that you havent met, don't know and have never talked to in your life that you were my boyfriend … now I am 22 about to be 23 I have been in a lot of different relationships and several have met my family and my mother… even talked to my friends, bosses, family members but none have ever have the ordasity to do what you did… so I have been running it through my mind over and over and I thought of the reason you might say … but I want to give you the chance to answer my question… so as not to ASSUME anything… so please explain to me what happen that night on the phone… 

and secondly after looking at the lists above ... where do you think you fit in???

†::Zan_Rien::† [userpic]

(no subject)

April 7th, 2006 (11:24 am)

current location: work as always
†::Schism::†: contemplative
†::My Choir::†: crow soundtrack

Si vis pacem, para bellum


nosce te ipsum… Munit haec et altera vincit


I had that dream again … and again ANU … Darkness in stone god flesh came for me yet again… or should I say he came for those that I love….



What happened?


Okay then dream begins with me watching TV… but instead of me being at my current apartment I am at the house that I grew up in… and I am watching something kinda soap-ish… I am not alone… it someone’s birthday and we are having a party


Who is there:





My mother

Gina (cousin)

Galvin (Gina’s son)

My grandmother



Sijo & Patti


T (Teakitty)



Hattie (my aunt on my father’s side)

And one other person but I cant remember who they were


And “Him” (the black dragon- if I was to give me darker side a name or make it manifest him would be the product)


And my enemy and his stone statue army ANU


To continue… for some reason I am inside… I think it was too hot or something

So I sit and enjoy what is on the TV… drinking something while I watch… then a wondering body enters the room I cant remember his face but it is the stranger… there is a strange warm feeling that comes over me and a smile fades in to my face… he asks “what are you doing in here? Everyone is wondering where you are…

I answer “ I've been right here the hole time just watching…”

then I go to stand but I pause… there’s the sound of a train (we that house was a block up from some tracks so when I was growing up I remember it maybe being used once or twice) roaring by then a strange and uneasy silence… followed by the sound of harsh concrete foot steps and a single word escaped my lips as if I had known the moment the train began… “run”


with that I look at the boy (guy whatever) next to me and reaching out with my right arm  I grab him throwing him into the left as we spin and fall a stone figure crashes through the roof utterly destroying the piece on floor the boy was standing on only moments before… words that I feel, believe to be Samarian or Egyptian feel the air as we stand and I looking around slowly approach the figure… a stone soldier armed with a kind of short sword the almost resembles a axe and a cycle… once with in arm reach of this dark golem its eyes rip open and it grabs me by the neck ripping me off my grounded feet and there he holds me lingering in the air like a thief hanging at the gallows… with me in hand he fixes his pearl eyes on to the boy and begins to make his way to him raising his sword… I begin to try and fight … desperately trying to free myself from his stone grip… as I struggle I notice in the corner a dark figure just leaning there in gulfed in a black smoke his long black hair hides his face… my attention comes yet again to a horrifying focus yet again on the arrival of another golem blasting through the front wall filling the air in the room with dust and the sound of broken glass and there now I see him … and I remember him but from where I cant place it a man looking as if in his late 20’s stands in the center of the street across from the house… he is dressed in ancient royal clothes bare footed and shirtless he, my evil Carmel skinned Adonis bald and covered with some kind of ancient writing he waits ordering his soldiers with whispers … that seem to fill the air… my attention fixes on the new stone soldier as he enters at first turning to the dark figure in the corner raising it’s sword as it reaches out to grab him by the neck … but it freezes as the cold death stare cuts through the jet black hair… it stops and backs away re-focusing on the boy cowering in the corner …. As he grows closer to the boy the figure just looks at me and I can do nothing more then return the look… I do not yell … I do not move… then as if it have came to me … the knowledge some borrowed strength had surfaced I turn to my capture and grabbing its right wrist with my left I punch it’s face with my right scattering the creatures head… still suspended I brake the thumb off his hand still holding on with my left I take my right hand and dig the fingers deep into it’s lonely shoulders, and placing my right foot on it’s stomach …. At this time the creature’s head was reconstructing itself… I pull myself forwards now my face only a inch from its newly constructed face jerks back ripping him up and sending him flight through the air crashing in to the other stone warrior across the room… they both shore in the direction of anu… who simply tilts his head and extends his left arm… and with one violent extension of his fingers the statue are no more… dust in the wind…. I garb the boy up and there are screams from the backyard I rush to the back door and I bare witness to a army of stone warriors rushing and attacking all those there as those I love scramble to get to the house but they are far out and only Julie, Patti and sijo are fighting on one side and on the other Stanley is on the back of another punching the stone man until his hand begins to poor out blood … brandy, Gina, my mother and all the others are trying to get to the house my mother falls and the boy next to me goes to help her… I stand in horror as I watch them being attacked … the sight is to much and it forces me to my knees … then I am slowly consumed by black smoke … as the dark figure kneels down behind me and whispers in my ear… it is not English nor Japanese … I cant place it … I can say it but I don't know what it means….   I am frozen in fear and rage… my fist clinch and tighten until blood begins to flow out the top and bottoms of my fists… I begin to bit the corner of my lip my vampire length canines piercing the dark crimson red flesh then his words pause as he runs his black gloved hand down my shoulder and to my tortured hand … beaten and worn…. Bloody and deadly with rage… he gently raises then … my blood clinched fist…


“it is time” he says… “make your choice… history waits and death does linger… to protect them is to kill them… to save them is not a task for defensive tactics…”  and as if I am thrown out of my body… I go crashing into the past dream that anu was in … where I was powerless to stop him from slaughtering every one… I am taken to the scene where I am on my knees begging to trade my life for theirs … I remember that smirk that god damn smirk …. Then I am rushed to the current on the screams of old and new…


my eyes harden… tear to blood… as I pier at the scene out side …


“choice made.”


And with those words he fades in to a cloud of black smoke that follows and rips in my already ripped flesh … the pain hits but it is more then just the physical … and what I must do is clear… I can protect them… I need them out of the way… it is the only way… as I am lifted in the air by this dark smoke ripping its way to my soul… a intense primal scream fills my lungs, my gut, then escapes from my lips blowing out the back side of the house and destroying the those stone soldiers that where between the house and my family and friends … I stand and slowly like a freight train I exit the smoke my clothes burn and tattered, my body covered in tribal tattoos that resembled black flames, my eyes are pale and gray… my finger nails are long and black, my lips a dark liquid black my fangs are long and hungry… I begin to walk toward the center of the yard stopping for a second in front of my mother and cousins…

 One of them (the cousins) yells “move their coming we Gotta go!”

My mother just looks at me…


“stay here” I say then I pass them …


“what!” they scream and them head for the house any way … my mother just stands…


with out looking back I extend my hand behind my and a stone wall rises in front of them then another on  the side … my mother gently nods her head then walks to where they are… and a fourth wall rises in casing them in a large stone box the lastly a top forms before it lowers itself in to the ground… once in the center I look around then my eyes and hands begin to glow a fire white, navy, and black … I open and raise my hands as all the soldiers are lifted in to the air once there I clinch and twist my fist as they explode and crumble… I then extend my hands to everyone that is left and I repeat the same act as I did before with the stone box and as the last one closes and goes under… “I will be back for you… when it is safe.”


I hear my name being screamed … it is anu still in the front of the house … I turn and head towards the house once a few feet from the house I extend my right arm and swipe my hand at the house and it is destroyed… clearing the path straight to anu… he looks amazed… puzzle almost… once I get to where the front do used to be … using my powers… with super human speed I am now right in front of him … noise to noise…


“nice trick”


“ I haven’t done anything yet…” I smirk at him with that same damn smirk he used on me the last time we were here…


I back fist him… catching him off guard and sending him in and through the house directly behind him… then like something out of a sci fi  movie I leap into the air … here I stay and begin blasting the area where he landed …. Like meteors raining from the sky I begin to lay waste … he will know my full power… It is over .. I stop and slowly land … I clear the dust and smoke and there bloody and beaten he lay there … he sits up and glairs at me…


“ so gods can be hurt… well let go for the hat trip… I wonder if I can hurt you … that means I can kill you…”


he stands… “you son of a bitch… I am a god… and what are you?”


he leaps back in to the air and surrounds me with hundreds of thousands of his armed stone soldiers … “kill him!!!”


my eyes glow now like before … but more fierce… and then a voice that was mine and wasn’t mine roars from my lips… “you are in my way…” with that my body extends violently and a brilliant blue light rips from my body as if a atomic boom blast they are destroyed … just before the dust can clear … I using my powers send all the rubble up and rushing at him … he teleports behind my to evade the shards of stone as I turn around to face him he grabs my throat and lifts me in the air crushing my throat..


“you are nothing to me!… you are weak!… I am a GOD!!! And what are you??!”


as I begin to speak my eyes begin to glow red … and out of the ground metal shoots up and through his feet pining him to the ground.. and all the metal weapons ten large rings rise and surrounds us … I grab his hand still around my throat… and as I crush it that same voice says… “I'm better” as I crush and break his hand then lowering my self to the ground I just walk a way as he screams and struggles to free himself as he piers at the circling swords of his fallen warriors…


“damn you…” he says as I walk a way…


I stop and he focuses on me… I turn and raise my right hand thumb and middle finger pressed tightly to each other as I draw a audible breath … sucking in the air around me stopping once at shoulder level then there is silence… then a loud deafening snap of my fingers as the swords all rush flying in and embedding themselves deep in to his flesh as he stands there screaming… my hand drops and I repeat the action again…


“no more”


and with this snap… and exposition the size of 3 Hiroshima’s and he is the focal point… when the dust clears there… I am still the same but now in new nice black clothes .. I have dark sunglasses on and I am smoking a black cig… and I am standing in the distance watching my friends and family inter act… they are at like a park … nice and clean… its beautiful … there is a iron fence that separates us  and a small pond… the guy from before notice me watching and stops to look over … we make eye contact and taking the cig in between my ring finger and pinky and with my index I press it top my lips “shhhh…” he looks around and then back at me and nods … I jester for him to come to me…. He puts downs cup and makes his way to the gate … as he grows closer to it I extend my hand and the iron it self melts away.. clearing a path.. . then once at the pond he stops and looks at me … a strangely soothing smile comes over his face… it causes me to do the same .. I wiggle and wave the fingers on my left hand and stone rises from the bottom of the large pond and creates a path for him once he clears the pond he rushes to me but once there … I have disappeared leaving behind my coat and a note…

he first picks up the coat and hugs it as a single tear rolls down his face.. he picks up the letter … it is blank at first the gold letter burn their way onto the letter






Nemo nisi mors


ave atque vale


Si vis pacem, para bellum


Then the paper is in gulfed by a blue flame and h drops the letter… seeing it’s still intact he picks it up again the words have changed


I am here

i have decreed

No one but death shall part us

But I must go… so I must say

hello and goodbye


for if I am to be with you… if I am to be happy …


Si vis pacem, para bellum

If I am to seek peace, I must prepare for war


(lol well the letter part is how you say a writer ending… I took a few liberties with that part … actually the dream ended with him making his way to me and me not being there… oh well thought that that would be a better ending… )

†::Zan_Rien::† [userpic]

My masochistic sadistic dieing lover a Tale Lover & Doll

April 5th, 2006 (11:55 am)

current location: work
†::Schism::†: not really sure what i feel
†::My Choir::†: bjork

My masochistic sadistic dieing lover… a Tale of  Aoi Lover and Dorian Doll

Lover & Doll


I have fallen

I have given my heart to another

A dead deed, long for gotten

Choices block, and paths unclear


He says he loves me

But his loyalties are laid with another


He loves me…. And finally I realize that somewhere along the way…


i… love him.




Thought confused and emotions lost


I sit here thinking

Wondering… what is this?


His feeling… and this my burning pain … this loneliness


My forgotten lover begins to cough…

and dark thoughts and filmed memories rush in to my mind…


Don't you leave me…

Don't you dare leave me …

not like this… not like this


I am silent as the thoughts pass…


I demand him to rise… clearing the path from his lungs to the air around him…


Get up!


Get up …. Now! 

I grab his collar balling it in my worn and beaten fist


Pulling … but not allowing the muscles in my hands, arm and shoulder to use their full power… and with a rough gentleness I draw him closer….


Don't you care for your life?

Don't you have so much to live for?


And as a child in my arms he looks and asks me the same very questions…


I frown… pausing in the moment my lungs tighten and my heart freezes just a little bit more … and in it, it locks away my true feelings hidden in the frozen chambers of my artic heart…




What he asks as if I had shocked him with this news…




I have made it clear that I do not care for this life … I will try to enjoy what little of it I can  but when it ends … when it is over… it will just be the night to any passing day


There will be no harsh cold winter tears… no fading screams…


Just a night like any other… there will be no long drawn out prosecution… just a small houdle of fallen dreams and forgotten memories…


But in the end … I don't think I would have it any other way…


But for you… for you I would cause the darkest winter…

I would black out the sun… I would silence the birds… and dim the moon’s silver rays…


For it has finally set in …


I would freeze the oceans…




Quieten the gabbling of the rivers and brooks…




Stop the world from turning…


                        do i…?


Still the blowing winds…


                        Love you… ?


It has finally hit that there is a part of me that does love you… will love you… but in the same breath cant love you … you are already taken … by obligation and loyalty…

I would just as that you remember there is a difference between loyalty and love…



In life it would seems that man for the most part only appreciates something when it is taken from him…


                        You will only truly appreciate what you have (or had) only by losing it

                        But the trick is… once you loss it… getting it back… is not always easy


Nor is it always possible…



 My disclaimer to Heaven and Hell


I Akin Johnson (once Aka james reed, Aka Doku) give you this my declaration of war…


In the case that ANYONE I love is killed or taken before their time (as I see fit) I reserve the rights to raid the deepest pits and the highest of heavenly clouds to free them from unjust darkness or to see them in bliss… And as my second act I hold the right to punish the acting party or parties that are responsible for the death of said person(s) how I see fit.


I being who I am

Should not out live anyone that I love… 


That is my declaration…



Si vis pacem, para bellum

If you seek peace, prepare for war

†::Zan_Rien::† [userpic]

shit and shittiness

March 9th, 2006 (12:12 pm)

†::Schism::†: ...
†::My Choir::†: the legend soundtrack...

Its funny really… I am enrolled in a gym now so I have started the work on my body that I need and I have a kick ass friend going with me so I can try and stay motivated… I finally have a semi-cleaned apt… work is easy enough and possibility of moving up… and if i get it I wouldnt be as strapped for cash as I have been in the past… I’m closer to becoming a master, and the way that people talk about me in the martial arts sense ... they make me sound like some demi god or something… I receive my 3rd degree two months a go… I am trying to plan for a trip and I have a camp coming up where… I can hang with this guy that I actually have a crush on and goofy as that is… even though he is probably not interested in me like that… but hey a guy can hope right?

And yet I can shake this stupid childish feeling… I sit out side myself and I can’t even understand it myself… a hollowed hurt… a quite scream… it feels like quick sand …
I don't cry I never cry but for the fourth time I find myself sitting at my desk at work fighting the feeling that I fear is holding with it an ocean of pain and salt…
trying to place my mind somewhere else....
I don't understand things are kinda turning around… why do I still feel like shit…

How petty? How FUCKING childish?

Someone please explain this to me… I avoid talking with people about it… I don't want anyone looking at me funny or strange… or asking stupid question… I just want to enjoy what bit of life I can…

I'm tired of this fucking dramatic ass shit… no one wants to hear this shit… no one cares about the little bullshit that I feel… the shit I go through… who fucking cares what’s roaring through this confused mind of mine… and why should they … everyone is going through something… everyone has their own problems… and yet I feel like I should have someone to talk to about this … like I should as my counselor in elementary used to tell me… you need to share more… but how do I share? This blog…. A Live journal entry…

I have spent my life trying to hide my feel when I was growing up… having people telling me that I don't matter, I'm stupid, and all the other bullshit that children have to put up with … nothing is different… my case is the same as millions of others out there in the world and yet a small part of me feel I'm different I'm special? Bullshit… this feeling is maddening it drives me crazy… I cant concentrate, cant find any peace until it passes… so maybe just maybe this shit might help… what the fuck ever… I tired of feeling like this… trying to burry myself in any thing that might take my mind off of this feeling… Martial arts, music, writing… and it helps some of the time… the rest I'm just stuck with myself…

Hmm I want to kick my own ass for feeling like this…

No I am not fearful of dieing alone… not afraid of being alone…
Actually I prefer it now… I would hate to unload my shit on any one else’s plate…
And why bother anyway… what is depressing someone else with my shit… possibly striking a nerve and hurting them is gonna make me feel so much fucking better about my fucking self… WHAT THE FUCK!! … BULLSHIT!!

Nothing but a bullshit, sorry ass, no good, fucked up waste of fucking time…

And why?
It always comes back to why?
What a shitty question … WHY?

An endless piece of shit…

So yes … I would like to … but no
Yes… I like you… but no
Yes… I am in love with you … but no
Yes… I care for you all … but no
Yes I am sorry… but no
Yes… yes… yes… I enjoy times when I get to hang out with friends, family, new people…. But no
Yes I have problems that I hide… but no
Yes I have secrets that is refuse to tell… but no
Yes I am hurt… but no

No… I don't want to share
No… I don't want to talk
No… I'm not always happy
No… I don't feel like a part of the group
No… at times I do hate being alone
No… I don't like hurting others
No… at times … more then often I hate my life
No… I do not fit in
No… at times I do need to let go

Yes… I am tired
Yes… I have things I want to do
Yes… I have things I need to do
Yes… I want to feel like I belong
Yes… I do enjoy company

I am sorry … I'm not good at sharing
I am sorry… I don't mean to drop my shit on anyone
I am sorry… this is so fucking dramatic
I am sorry… I am retarded at times
I am sorry… I act stupid at times
I am sorry … if I was ever cold

Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah

The end… for now

†::Zan_Rien::† [userpic]

My contribution to VD… (valentine’s day)

February 15th, 2006 (01:41 pm)

†::Schism::†: good
†::My Choir::†: Imogen heap- Headlock & Jem- they

He Wishes for the Cloths of Heaven


Had I the heavens' embroidered cloths,

Inwrought with golden and silver light,

The blue and the dim and the dark cloths

Of night and light and the half-light,

I would spread the cloths under your feet: 

But I, being poor, have only my dreams;

I have spread my dreams under your feet;

Tread softly because you tread on my dreams.


William Butler Yeats


He wishes for the love of and angel


Before you I had not known true love…

Warm; hot…a fever pitch…

 Intense and quiet…

 I would give you the world in one breath…

I would buy you the finest cloths

Taken from heavens' embroiderer…

 I would shower you with diamonds and sapphires… onyx and gold

For I would show that my love has no bounds… endless and powerful…

But a last, I being poor… have only my heart and dreams…

For with my love for you…

I have spread my heart under your feet…

Tread soft… tread gently…

For you tread on my love… my hopes and dreams…

For those that love with fear in their heart…

Love will never last…

But for those that risk every thing… in sight of pain and past hurts...  

For those that hole nothing back…baring their hearts in their hands…

 They find it… true love…

And it is that true love will never be lost.

Akin Doku Amaya

†::Zan_Rien::† [userpic]

Drops form from the lips of this fool... if they find truth... Diamonds the shall become

February 10th, 2006 (09:33 am)

†::Schism::†: calm
†::My Choir::†: Burn, One mind, Headlock, Clear the area

A path unclear… The teacher’s creed I will destroy you, Only to rebuild you… and make you better… I will silence you, So that you may truly hear the world around you… I will blind (fold) you, So that you may truly see… I will bind you, So that you may learn true freedom… I will break you, Only to make you stronger… I will weight you down, So you may learn true speed… I will make you lost… in a world with no direction… So that you may truly find the way… I will so you love… So you may know pain… I will leave So that you may find a new way… I will teach you this creed… So that when I am gone You may teach another… Strength is not in size of body… It is in the will of the soul. Speed is not in the fastness of the feet… But the swiftness of the mind. Bravery, is not found in a hero… But in the heart of a coward the refuses to run. True sight is not in the eyes… But the heart. To speed through the day one after another, is to loss the sight of what matters, what makes life, life… To stop, and take value in the beauty of nature… To stop is to find life again… and truly begin to live. Death is only the precursor to rebirth. And life is only a journey that will end, only to start yet again __________________________________ To live in away, as to never have to say, “I am sorry” To show love, not in words but in actions… To bless the world around you, with the light… that is in you No matter how dim it may be… is to truly begin the path of change… Like water to stone… nothing is without change… Our truest enemy, Our truest friend, Our deepest teacher, Our long lost friend, Our center for despair, Our center of growth and strongest alley… Can all be found… A mirror… The hearts of friends… Eyes of a lover… Earth it self… And some times… just some times The babbling of a fool can sound Truth… and shine light on your path… So from the lip of this fool… If you find it Be sure to share it… we all are in need of enlightenment.

†::Dare You?::† | 0 - 10 |